


What comes after

by caridia



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, So i thought about thessia and this happened, a generalwarning for bad menthal health, but also the anxiety isn't that noticeable in this, i don't think at least?, i hope the alliance will cover her psych bill, rip alise shepard's mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26840719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caridia/pseuds/caridia
Summary: Samantha Traynor is currently the only person Alise can stand right now, except maybe Steve. But Steve can only make Alise feel less like a failure, and Traynor is providing action. After the war room meeting, and Joker setting a new course, and talking to councilor Irissa, Alise goes on her rounds.OR: Alise Shepard hasn't passed a psych eval since 2177. Priority: Thessia might push her just a bit closer to the edge. And why has Liara been helping everyone but her?
Relationships: Female Shepard & Liara T'Soni
Kudos: 4





	What comes after

Liara spends the entire shuttle ride back to the Normandy crying. Garrus is obviously pretending it isn’t happening, and Alise assumes Steve is tactfully remaining silent. He keeps giving her concerned glances, and she’d reprimand him if he wasn’t so skilled. The shuttle remains steady, and silent. Alise leans back into the hard and uncomfortable seat and closes her eyes. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

_ Focus on your breathing, Alise. Focus on what you can control. _

At some point, Alise’s nagging voice stopped being Mira’s, and shifted into some sort of unholy mixture between Doctor Felicé and Karin. 

Breathe in. 

They are probably nearing the Normandy. Liara’s sobs are petering out. Garrus is still furiously typing on his omnitool. His talons has a tendency to click against the sleeve when he’s typing too quickly and angrily. How is the omnitool still working? Alise’s died down in the temple. 

Breathe out. 

Must’ve been all those mods Garrus stole from Mordin. Or maybe the software hacking thing Tali showed Kasumi and Garrus also gleefully stole? It’s not stealing if the person is aware of it. Garrus would know, right?

Breathe-- 

The shuttle lurches as Steve swears and probably swerves a Reaper laser. Alise opens her eyes and stares at the ceiling of the Kodiak. Why is it blue? The Cerberus Kodiak wasn’t white. Liara is quiet. Garrus is quiet. Steve is not quiet, Steve is talking. Talking to Alise. 

“Commander? We’re cleared for approach.” 

Alise doesn’t sigh. She breathes in, and she breathes out. Then, she nods.

* * *

Samantha Traynor is currently the only person Alise can stand right now, except maybe Steve. But Steve can only make Alise feel less like a failure, and Traynor is providing  _ action _ . After the war room meeting, and Joker setting a new course, and talking to councilor Irissa, Alise goes on her rounds. 

Westmoreland and Campbell are dejected, but trying. Alise nods at them, and moves on. Traynor is tenser than she lets on. Horizon is her home, And Alise remembers Mindoir, remembers Eden Prime. Alise tries, with Traynor. It’s not enough.

The terminal is full of messages, as per usual and--

Alise turns it off when she sees Kai’s taunts. She turns it off, and moves on. Felicé would be proud. 

Breathe in. 

Alise crosses the CIC to the bridge, and no one tries to talk to her. 

Breathe out. 

Everyone are working, because this is the Normandy and they all know what to do. They have a goal, they have a job.

Breathe in.

Joker tries. He tries with his jokes. He tries with the numbers Chakwas and EDI have provided him. He tries with anger. Tiptree. Anderson. Alise loves him for it, for trying. She really does. But she can’t let him succeed. So he doesn’t, and he knows he hasn’t won. He might try again, but not right now. 

Breathe in.

EDI tries. She tries, and she knows how to back off when rebuffed. But she tries, and Alise hates her a little for it. EDI doesn’t understand, but she backs off. For now. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Alise doesn’t want to talk to Liara. Alise doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Felicé says that normalcy must continue, and Alise is doing her rounds. In, out.

The rounds are straight forward, but the moment Alise steps out of the elevator. It all blurs together. Tali (knows better), Garrus (threats of violence, ruthless calculus), Chakwas (nothing invasive, but the wetware needed adjusting). Liara, Javik, Kaidan and Adams. Diana.

Breathe in. 

James (knows well enough) and Steve (tries, and succeeds. Almost.)

Liara again, and this time they scream at each other. Alise doesn’t want to talk to Liara, because every word will be barbed, will be soaked in thresher maw acid. Liara is mad, and Alise isn’t sure what side of madness. Alise is mad, and Liara knows too much and too little. 

Breathe in. 

Alise storms out of the cabin, away from the bright lights of the monitors and Glyph’s hovering. 

* * *

On the too large bed, Alise stares at space. Space with a capital ‘s’. She can still hear the sound of the Normandy exploding, still hear her heart beating as oxygen levels sink. 

Breathe In. Breathe out. 

Can still feel the way oxygen isn’t enough. 

In, out.

Silence. Except for her breathing, except for the ship.

EDI speaks. 

“Your Alliance psychiatric evaluation clearly states that you are not advised to look at empty space when you are in a state of distress, Alise.” EDI says, her little holographic icon floating somewhere to the right of Alise. She’s not sure where, but the blue glow is unmistakable. EDI’s disapproval unmistakable.

“My psych evals clearly stated I was not fit for duty and should be discharged ‘77.” Alise turns her head towards the blue glow. Somehow, EDI’s hologram looks as disapproving as she sounds. 

“I have a question, Shepard.” EDI says, following the script and Alise sighs but sits up to face her directly. 

“And I guess it cannot wait.”

“Can it ever?” The blue glow floats awkwardly. “You love Liara, yet you two were screaming at each other for 22 minutes and 43 seconds. Tali and Garrus love you, yet they will not share their concerns over your mental state with you. In Jeff’s last conversation with Admiral Anderson, he called you ‘captain’. You have not actually been promoted to Captain, and we both know he would never call you that to your face.”

“We’ve already talked about the duality of Man, EDI.” Alise reminds the supercomputer. 

“That was not my question, Alise,” the orb bobs and chides. “I wish to know, how can I help you?”

Alise opens her mouth to answer.

* * *

In and out. 

Felicé really had a point when she said that Alise needed to direct her frustrations onto things she could control. Routines, and breathing, and love. 

Liara again, and this time they cry. Glyph is on standby mode, and most of the monitors are off. EDI sees, and knows, but she loves too so it’s okay. Alise is still mad, and Liara is also mad, but love matters more. 

Afterwards, Alise joins Tali and Garrus in the lounge and she holds Tali’s hand because she can’t hug her and leans onto Garrus’ disgustingly hard armor because he’s too big and they understand and they love. And they stay. 

The crackling of the Normandy’s speaker system, and Joker’s voice, brings Alise back. 

“We are now approaching Horizon. ETA 2 hours. I’m seeing a lot of Cerberus cruisers leaving the system.” 

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i haven't published a story in 5 years and oh boy is this exciting to do
> 
> if you want me to tag anything, tell me and i'll do it
> 
> have a nice day!


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